I have a philisophical question for y'all.
I am, sadly, in editor mode right now. And I'm back looking through all our Book One stuff. That still has a lot of editing needs, of course. But I think the original consensus was that we didn't need to mess with MS2, other than the ending.
Shoot me down if you don't think it's really necessary. But looking between how we're writing now, in Book Three, and how we wrote back in eighth grade? Even though it's infinately better than the beginning, I still think it could be better.
I mean, it's better - more fun - to read than the beginning was. But stylistically, it's choppy. Very.
Long story short, we could do better. When this gets sent in to an actual editor, I think this will be one of the spots we'll need to fix most. I think it needs work, obviously, or I wouldn't have bothered with this. Whatcha think?
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one goodbye
where are we
can you feel that this is ending
did you hear that tear
there's no chance
it can be mended
but i will choose
but i will choose
to lay here bruised
*
it's not enough to leave
on one goodbye
one goodbye
you can't give up and leave
on one goodbye
on one goodbye
*
we were never meant
to take it past
all the pain that turns
to make a last
one goodbye
*
time has flown
we're aware of our position
and all that's known
you can't hear my frail petition
but i will choose
but i will choose
to lay here bruised
*
cause it's not enough to leave
on one goodbye
on one goodbye
you can't give up and leave
on one goodbye
not one goodbye no
*
it's not enough to leave
on one goodbye
on one goodbye
you can't give up and leave
on one goodbye
on one goodbye
*
we were never meant
we were never meant
to make it past
we were never meant
to make it
we had never meant
to make it last
we had never meant
to make it
we had never meant to
*
we had never meant to
make it last
past one goodbye
4 comments:
I vote for yes! Because if it doesn't change, we will someday look back on it and want to cry. Much like I do thinking of the original Ire. *shudder*
At this point, the original Ire is VINTAGE. And you know what I say! Just throw something at me, and I'll rewrite it. :D
:D I'm going to start calling it the Vintage Ire now, you know.
Do it, yaar.
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